Hagma
by mer solitare
Summary: What happens when you mix Dogma and Harry Potter? Hagma, of course! (And a drunk voice of God & slightly confused Potions teacher.) Will be R later.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer:  I don't own any characters from Dogma or Harry Potter. So don't sue.  All you'll get is 3 cents, a empty coke can, and a sick dog.  But I will sell my soul for the Metatron.  And, by the way, Professor Snape can poison me all he wants, but he has to nurse me back to health… with sponge baths…

It was corporate casual day up in heaven, which meant the Metatron could wear whatever he bloody well wanted.  

Hence the Bermuda shorts and Hawaiian tee shirt.  (He really liked Hawaii, since it had a great bar with some fantastic tequila on Maui.)  He'd thought about wearing a lei but decided against it when God showed up wrapped in them from head to toe.

From what he could tell, God was _definitely going commando.  Would've been nice on a regular, young nymph, but, well, when it was your eons old boss it was just…odd and completely off-putting to your drinking habits._

But, wanting to keep his tequila-drinking privileges, he refrained from telling her she looked like a Maypole gone retarded.

Other than that, life in the ol' hereafter was going pretty well. He had his tequila, his visits to young females, and he got to make fun of Bartleby and Loki, who had been reincarnated as Anglz 2 Boiz, the newest ('and best and, like, cutest band ever!' their nine-year-old fans screamed) boy band to hit casa Earth..

And then God and some bloody ponce named Harry Potter got involved. 

A.N.  This will be a Dogma/Harry Potter crossover, just 'cause I felt like it.  I promise to update my other stories as soon as my horrible cause of writer's block clears up.  Review and I'll get the Metatron to make a midnight visit to ya ;)


	2. Chapter 2

The Metraton was pissed. He'd told God and told God, over and over again, that going to a school full of children with Jay and Silent Bob was a Very Bad Idea. And all God had done was throw Her empty popcorn bowl at him, telling him to shut up so She could watch Passions.  
  
"Bloody soaps. Bloody stoners and children and my job." He grumbled, sulkily crossing his arms over his chest. Behind him someone exclaimed, "Man! What the fuck is this shit?! Where the fuck are we? Why the fuck did I have to fucking come? Me and Lunchbox over here were just about to get a shitload of green offa this little old lady and then you had to show up. What the fuck is up with that?"  
  
The Metatron rolled his eyes and turned around to look at one very confused Jay. Not that Jay was ever not confused. Jay's best friend, Silent Bob, merely pulled a cigarette out of his coat pocket, lit it, and placed it in his mouth, inhaling smoke. He shrugged his shoulders philosophically at the Metatron's obviously exasperated look. "Will you shut up? It's not good to go walking about a school with a potty mouth such as yours spewing filth every five minutes."  
  
Jay's eyebrows knitted and he scratched his scraggly blond hair. "What the fuck is that shit supposed to mean?"  
  
The Metatron groaned.  
  
** Harry Potter couldn't sleep. He'd already tried everything he could think of; even imagining Dudley in a Speedo, thinking maybe that thought would put him in a coma. All it did was result in a terrifying mental image which had emotionally scared him more than Voldemort had in the past fifteen years. He groaned and slipped out of bed.  
  
If sleep wasn't going to come to him, he'd go to it. He tiptoed over to his trunk and opened it, pulling out his Invisibility Cloak. He pulled it around him, grabbing his wand and glasses, threw on some shoes, and tiptoed out of the room.  
  
A few minutes later the portrait guarding the Gryffindor Common Room mysteriously opened, wind whispering as something crept through it. The something walked down the hall, accidentally tripping over a stone protruding from the floor.  
  
"Bloody hell." Harry exclaimed into the ground, cloak lying in a shimmery pile of fabric a few feet away.  
  
Down the hall footsteps echoed.  
  
Harry's eyes widened and he hurriedly dragged himself toward his cloak. Hissing with pain, he stood up, wincing at the shooting pain in his head.  
  
"Finally. Someone to talk to. Honestly, you'd think this bloody place was Hell on Christmas Eve. Not a soul in sight."  
  
"What the fuck was that supposed to mean? Why the fuck do you have to fucking talk funny all the fucking time?" Another voice said.  
  
Harry nearly fainted in shock and quickly looked up to see three men (or at least one man and what appeared to be two actual human douche bags) standing in front of him. One was tall and thin, black-haired, and looking at Harry with a sulky expression on his face. The other two were scraggly looking, one short and tubby and the other taller and leaner.  
  
"Professor Snape?!" Harry asked, staring at the sulky one.  
  
"Snape. Ha." Jay nudged Silent Bob. "Dude, what kind of a fucking name is Snape?"  
  
The Metatron replied. "Look at you. Your name's Jay. What kind of a pathetic name is that?"  
  
Jay's jaw dropped. "Man, you didn't just say what I fucking thought you said. You're the one's who fucking named the fucking Metatron."  
  
"Oh, here we go again. Kick a fellow when's he down just because his name happens to start with 'the' and include an unpronounceable word. It goes with the bloody job- and why am I arguing with you?" The Metatron suddenly asked.  
  
Harry perked up and stared at the Metatron. "You're the Metatron? Man, you're cool. Can you really grow wings and burst into flame, and speak to God?"  
  
"You don't know who the-" The Metatron started, but quickly stopped, realizing what Harry had said. "Oh. Yes. You do know who I am.. Uh, yes, I can do that."  
  
"Ohh." Harry said excitedly, eyes gleaming. "Can you show me?"  
  
The Metatron grinned wickedly for a few seconds before bursting into flame. Harry squealed and jumped up and down excitedly.  
  
"Dude, do the fucking voice!" Jay yelled. Silent Bob nodded in agreement. "Yeah, voice, do the voice." Harry agreed.  
  
The Metatron sighed and shook his head. "Fine. Behold the Metatron, voice of the Almighty and One True God." He intoned. Harry, Jay, and Silent Bob clapped.  
  
The Metatron grinned cheekily and bowed, liking his job for once.  
  
"And what is all this?" A new voice hissed.  
  
The Metatron was promptly soaked by water and reappeared a few minutes later, completely soaked, smoking slightly. Harry stared at the latest addition to this strange little group.  
  
"Uh, hey there, Professor Snape!" He said false-cheerily.  
  
"Who the fuck're you, Mr. Ain't- Got- Bush-In-Fifty-Years?" Jay asked. Snape opened his mouth to curse the pants off Jay but was interrupted by the Metatron.  
  
"My suit! Bloody ruined! You humans just have to completely ruin all my suits, don't you?! This was just dry cleaned!" He howled, wringing water out of his shirt.  
  
Everyone turned to stare at him. The Metatron looked up at them and snarled, "What?"  
  
Harry, Jay, and Silent Bob looked at him, and then at Snape. Snape looked at the Metatron and promptly fainted.  
  
"Uh, maybe you scared him." Harry said fearfully, looking at his unconscious Potions Master.  
  
The Metatron merely gaped at his apparently evil and, badly in need of a shampoo, twin. "God, I need a tequila." He moaned, wishing for a nearby franchise Mexican eatery.  
  
"I've got some Butterbeer." Harry said helpfully.  
  
The Metatron groaned again, fiercely wishing Bartleby and Loki had actually brought about the end of the world.  
  
  
  
A.N. Apparently a lot of people like this. THANK YOU! Thanks to everyone who reviewed. So yeah.. That's pretty much it. If the line breaks appear messed up it's because of my screwy computer, not me. 


	3. chapter 3

"Honestly, Black, you just have to play rough…" Snape mumbled incoherently, mentally flinching as something hit him rather forcefully. Smack! He groaned and curled into a ball, muttering, "Bloody hell. If you don't stop this instant, Black, I'll take you to the vet and have them neuter you with a spoon and a brick-"  
  
  
Smack! Snape jerked awake and grabbed the person's hand before it slapped his already tender face. "Bloody hell, Potter. Couldn't just use Ennervate, could you?" He winced and shakily stood up, rubbing his face.  
  
Harry gulped audibly and backed away from his pissed teacher, mentally devising ways to injure Jay. This was definitely the last time he was ever listening to Jay's stoned ass again. "Uh… I lost my wand… and, uh…" He stumbled backwards onto the edge of his Invisibility Cloak, throwing out his hands to break his fall. Silently cursing his life and all things in it, he hit the ground with a thump and watched with horror-stricken eyes as his wand bounced out of his pajama sleeve.  
  
"Uh… How did that get there?" He asked innocently, quickly stuffing it back in his sleeve. Snape advanced on Harry, a murderous expression on his face. Slowly he drew himself up to his full height and was about to say something along the lines of 'Die, Potter, die', but stopped when Jay snickered.  
  
"Man, little dude fucking bitch-slapped you!" He said gleefully, laughing so hard he had to lean on the wall for support. Silent Bob looked at his friend, back to Snape, and slowly backed away. With a flick of his wrist he tossed his cigarette to the ground and ground it out with one foot, keeping his eyes on the unfolding scene in front of him.  
  
Things were, to say the least, getting interesting.  
  
Harry appeared to be torn between running as far away from Snape as possible and beating Jay over the head. Snape looked ready to explode, and probably would have killed both Harry and Jay if the Metatron hadn't stepped in at that moment. He grabbed Snape's arms and dragged him away from everyone else, hissing, "Look, you. You already ruined my suit, which is, to say the least, a grave offense. You then tried to kill this Harry boy, who I am supposed to be saving. One more threat toward him and you will be joining Ken and me at Anatomically Impaired Anonymous. And I know you wouldn't want that."  
  
Snape gulped. The Metatron smirked evilly and merely said, "I thought you'd agree." Still holding Snape's arms, he turned to Harry and asked, "Where is your, ah, protector?"   
  
Harry hurried forward to stand next to the Metatron, pointing down the corridor. "He's down the hall, up the stairs, to the right, and behind the gargoyle statue."  
  
Metatron blinked, made a sulky face, and said, "I meant take me there." Harry nodded sagely and swaggered off down the corridor, looking like a small version of Percy Weasley.  
  
  
"Well, come on. Haven't got all night." He called a few yards away.  
  
The Metatron rolled his eyes and followed, dragging Snape along. Silent Bob quickly followed him, kicking Jay in the leg as he passed. Jay cursed and hobbled after Bob, yelling something about mother-fucking Lunchboxes.  
  
  
  
They arrived at the Headmaster's office a few minutes later without further incident, though Jay was now ranting about cops, pepper spray, and law enforcement in general. Everyone ignored him, used to his pointless and obscene ramblings. Sad, really, considering Harry had only met him an hour ago.  
  
  
"Uh… I don't know the password to the office." Harry said, quickly losing his pompous air. He looked fearfully at the Metatron, who sighed wearily and rolled his eyes. Snape gloated in silence for a few minutes, savoring the feel of being better (or at least smarter) than everyone else. The Metatron noticed this, however, and said," What's the soddin' password, Ken?"   
  
Snape nearly whimpered in fear, but quickly caught himself and merely grumbled, "Blood lollipops." Everyone grimaced, stared in Snape's direction, and then clamored to get on the stairs which led to the Headmaster's office.  
  
"It wasn't my bloody idea, you group of dunderheads." Snape muttered as he was dragged up the stairs. He quickly stopped when he saw the look on the Metatron's face. With a gentle thump, the revolving staircase hit the entrance to Dumbledore's office. All five quickly jumped off it and strode forward. Harry politely knocked on the door, was ignored, and was then pushed out of the way by Jay. He banged on the door with both fists and yelled, "Open the fuck up!"  
  
As if on cue the door burst open, sending Jay flying. He landed in the middle of the office with a few choice words. Everyone else merely walked in, all trying hard not to laugh at Jay.   
  
"Well, that was quite interesting." Someone said merrily. Harry hurried forward and blinked in surprise at the sight of Dumbledore sitting on top of his desk, grinning happily. "Sir… It's midnight. What in the world are you doing up?"  
  
Dumbledore merely beamed at Harry, blue eyes twinkling. "Well, Mr. Potter, today Professor Trelawney said we would not be getting any new guests tonight around midnight. So I naturally reversed her prediction and waited. I would assume these are our guests?" The last part was said to the Metatron, Jay (who by now had stood up), and Silent Bob, who nodded in agreement.  
  
"That's good. Now, what are you doing with my Potions Master?" Dumbledore said, idly munching on a lemon drop.   
  
The Metatron quickly let go of Snape, who glared evilly around the room before saying, "This man threatened me and-"  
  
"After you tried to kill Mr. Potter and one of the prophets!"  
  
"Yes, well, Potter shouldn't have slapped me!!"  
  
"He wouldn't have slapped you if you hadn't fainted, you weakling!"  
  
"I DID NOT faint! I merely lost consciousness for a few minutes. There is a difference between the two, not that you would know."  
  
"Oh, so now I'm an idiot? You really shouldn't insult others until you fix that grease rag on top of your head. It's a bit hypocritical."  
  
"At least I don't sob like a little girl when my clothes get a bit wet."  
  
"I did not sob, I yelled. Besides, that suit happens to be my newest one, which I bought in Greece in 312 B.C. It's not my fault you ruined my clothing in a fit of jealousy."  
  
"Me jealous of your clothes?!! Sorry, no. I'd run around naked wearing nothing but a tea cozy before I'd wear that."  
  
The Metatron's jaw dropped and he shuddered at that mental image. Snape smirked triumphantly. Harry accidentally sucked a lemon drop down his windpipe and had to be rescued by Silent Bob. Jay merely stood still, looking very confused.  
  
"Yes…. Ah, that was a disturbing thought, Severus. I never knew you'd do that." Dumbledore said, a mischievous glint in his eyes. Snape noticed this and quickly backed away, trying to hide behind Silent Bob. Silent Bob merely moved away, leaving Snape standing right in the middle of the room with nowhere to hide.  
  
"Albus…. Don't even think about it. I'll-" He never finished his threat, since at that moment Dumbledore muttered something and pointed his wand at Snape, who yelled as his black robes were changed into one strategically placed tea cozy.  
  
"AHHHHH!!!" He yelled in terror. He dived behind a nearby chair and drew his knees up to his chest, mentally cataloguing all the poisons he had on hand which could be used to kill Dumbledore.  
  
Everyone else blinked dazedly, trying to get rid of the image of a naked Snape that was burned onto their eyes. Dumbledore grinned cheekily and picked up a small dish on his desk.  
  
"Lemon drop, anyone?"  
  
  
  
  
A/N- The whole naked Snape thing was odd, I know, but I just had to do it! Hope you like. Chapter 4 will be up sometime on Christmas Eve. 


	4. chapter 4

"So… I'm being threatened again by an unspeakable evil cleverly called The-Other-Evil-Which-Cannot-Be-Named and the Metatron, Silent Bob, and Jay are here to protect me?" Harry asked in one breath. He then breathed in deeply and looked at the Headmaster.  
  
"In a nutshell, yes."  
  
Harry nodded and hesitated for a few seconds, usually bright green eyes cloudy. Next to him Jay was snoring softly, a small pool of drool forming on the armrest his head was leaned against. He twitched in his sleep, muttering, "Yeah, Rufus… Like that…" Silent Bob's eyes widened at the remark. The Metatron merely curled his upper lip, not noticing that Snape was doing the same thing. Snape was seated stiffly in a chair far from everyone else, robes clenched in both fists. He appeared to still be in shock over the earlier tea cozy incident.  
  
Harry pushed Jay's head, ignoring the muttered obscenity that followed. "Um, well… I can understand the Metatron being here, since he's all-angelic, but why's Silent Bob and Jay here too?" He then leaned back and waited for the answer.  
  
"Well…" Dumbledore paused, scratching his chin. "Well… Perhaps you should ask the Metatron that."  
  
The Metatron fought back a groan and merely said, "God wanted them to come. Of course, everyone else was busy; otherwise She would have tapped someone else. She probably wants you to learn some lesson or some such nonsense from them."  
  
Harry nodded wisely, looking as if he had been expecting this all along.  
  
"Fun and exciting as this undoubtedly is, I do have a class to teach tomorrow." Snape interrupted. "Then again, it's more a babysitting job than actual class, considering the dunderheads I must watch." He scowled heavily, obviously still pissed about his earlier outfit change.  
  
"To business, then, eh? Harry, you will continue with your studies." Harry nodded, an expression of relief crossing his face. Dumbledore idly plucked a lemon drop from the dish on his desk and popped it into his mouth, obviously pondering what to do with everyone else.   
  
"Jay and Silent Bob could probably help Hagrid with his groundskeeping responsibilities. I'll check with him tomorrow." Silent Bob nodded in silent assent, fighting the itch to light up a cigarette. Jay merely twitched in his sleep and rolled over, head lolling dangerously close to Harry's lap. Harry promptly pushed him away.  
  
"… Aw, come on…" Jay muttered.  
  
  
Snape fought back an evil laugh. Dumbledore turned to Snape, eyes twinkling enough to light up a ten-foot Christmas tree. "Severus, seeing as you and the Metatron bear a remarkable resemblance he could merely be passed off as a visiting relative. A brother, twin, perhaps…"  
  
The Metatron and Snape both exclaimed, "NO!" Both stood up, the Metatron looking like he had just been dumped in a tank of blue, staining dye while Snape was looking like the Metatron had just been promoted to Number 1 Most Hated Person on his long hate list, demoting Sirius Black to number two.  
  
A few hundred miles away Sirius Black gasped in anger at Snape. He then muttered, "What about the old days, eh, Snape? You unfeeling BASTARD!"  
  
  
Dumbledore merely smiled beatifically and said, "You two don't have to act brotherly to each other. If anyone asks, you've hated each other since you-" Here he pointed at Snape. "-had an affair with his wife."  
  
  
Snape looked smug. He crossed his arms over his chest and smirked at the Metatron, who looked nonplussed. "Doesn't matter to me. Not like the adulterous witch would being have much fun with me, anyway. She had just had to settle for second best…"  
  
  
Snape glared so hard he felt his eyes cross. Dumbledore, hoping to hold off another fight between the two, smoothly cut in with, "That's settled then!" Feeling this wasn't working well; he turned up the happy-eye-twinkling to the megawatt range and stood up. He glided out from behind his desk, ushering everyone out.  
  
Silent Bob, feeling empty without a cigarette, kicked Jay, smiling as his friend jumped a foot in the air, shrieking, "Fucking hell, man. I didn't do nothin'!"   
  
Harry, feeling relieved the night's odd events were over, hurried out of the office, nodding respectfully to Dumbledore. Jay dazedly followed Silent Bob, who looked nonchalant as ever. Snape glided out of the room in his best Intimidating Professor Walk, and raised an eyebrow at the Metatron, who merely quirked his mouth and followed him out.  
  
  
"This should be a most interesting year." Dumvledore said to Fawkes, who chirped sleepily. For a minute he watched the motley group of people before him before turning back to go to bed.  
  
  
  
A/N :::cringes ashamedly::: I am very sorry for not updating… I honestly was going to and then computer goes kablooie and, well, not of the good. So, because of that I will update the next three chapters by Friday. I promise. But after that I'm not promising anything because I'm a big ol' procrastinator. So… hope you enjoyed… 


	5. chapter 5

"Ron!" Harry hissed, shaking his friend's shoulder as hard as he could. "Get up! I've got to tell you something!" He shook Ron's shoulder even harder for emphasis.  
  
Ron merely mumbled incoherently and rolled over, accidentally smashing Harry's fingers in the process. Harry yelped and yanked them out from Ron and placed them in his mouth, waiting for them to quit throbbing. For a moment he merely stood there, contemplating ways to wake Ron, who was a notoriously heavy sleeper.   
  
Quietly he pulled his wand from his sleeve and whispered a silencing charm on Ron's bed. Then, feeling very pervy, he crawled into the bed, staying as far from Ron as possible. Pointing his wand at Ron's head, he muttered, "Aquaticus."   
  
Instantly a torrent of roaring water gushed onto the bed, soaking through the sheets and comforter. The rest hit Ron square in the face, jerking him awake. He spluttered angrily for a few seconds, coughing up water. Harry pocketed his wand, cutting off the spell. Ron shook his head like a dog, sending water droplets flying, and looked up at Harry with a murderous expression.  
  
"Harry… WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!" Ron bellowed, scrambling to his feet so that he could tower over Harry, who was at least three inches shorter than him. He brushed his dripping hair out of his face, advancing menacingly across the sopping wet bed, which squelched with each step.  
  
Harry swallowed and licked his lips nervously. From this view his plan didn't appear to be working out very well. Why, oh why, didn't I wait til the morning? "Well… I had to wake you up. I've got the strangest thing to tell you and I didn't want to wait til morning and this was the only way to get you up."   
  
Ron stopped a few inches from Harry's face to wring out his pajama shirt. "It better be really, really good. Or I'll force-feed you one of Fred and George's Worm Wursts."  
  
Harry smirked. "Oh, believe me. It's good."  
  
Ron narrowed his eyes at Harry and then jumped off the bed. Harry heard a few thumps and muffled curses from near the dresser. A few minutes later Ron reappeared fully dressed, though his sweater was on backwards. He smiled widely at Harry and said, "Well… I'll just go get Hermione, shall I?"  
  
Without waiting for Harry's reply he exited the dormitory, looking quite excited about his mission. Harry rolled his eyes and jumped off the bed, accidentally getting a foot stuck in the sheets. He landed on his knees, muttered a quick "Finite Incantatem", and hurried after Ron.   
  
He was too late, however.  
  
Across the small landing which separated the girls' and boys' dormitories feminine voices started shrieking. Harry arrived just in time to see the fifth year girls' dormitory door fly open and Ron and Hermione be pushed from the room. The door slammed shut behind them with a small huff of annoyance.  
  
Ron tried to smile sheepishly at Hermione but failed when he noticed her nightwear. Namely, a silky camisole and shorts. Hermione looked at Ron, looked down, and then dived behind Harry.  
  
Ron blinked. Harry turned his head to look at Hermione, who was blushing hard enough to be a human tomato. "Uh… My other pajamas were dirty and I couldn't just sleep naked, could I?"  
  
Ron's eyes glazed over.  
  
"Yes, well…" Harry pulled his rather large pajama top off, revealing a moth-eaten t-shirt. Wordlessly he handed it to Hermione, who smiled her thanks and pulled it over her head. Feeling well-covered she turned to glare at Ron.   
  
"Ronald Weasley. Why did you come barging into my dorm at three in the morning?" She said coldly, eyes narrowed and arms crossed.  
  
"Well… Harry told me he had something really big to tell us and I couldn't leave you out of it. You're the brains. We need you." He finished lamely, trying to look innocent and righteous. Hermione merely huffed and stalked off to the common room, Harry and Ron trailing behind her.  
  
  
"Ron, you know that voice in your head that tells you when you're doing something potentially idiotic or dangerous?" Harry asked sweetly, looking a bit mad.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Listen to it next time. It might actually say something smart." With these final words Harry hurried after Hermione, leaving Ron staring into space.  
  
For a moment Ron was quiet. He shoved his hands in his jeans' pockets and muttered, "This from Harry I-Love-Getting-Into-Dangerous-Situations Potter. Honestly… the hypocrisy." 


	6. chapter 6

Harry stretched slowly, enjoying the feel of stiff muscles relaxing. He stopped when his hand hit something warm and slightly soft. Something which felt distinctly human. He moved his fingers gently, accidentally brushing what felt like shorts. He bolted upright and stared in horror at Hermione, who had her legs sprawled across his lap and her head resting on Ron's thigh.  
  
Somebody cleared their throat.  
  
He looked up ever-so-slowly, idly wondering why he, Hermione, and Ron were sprawled across the couch in the Gryffindor common room in a most compromising position. That train of thought was abruptly forgotten when he saw the person who had cleared their throat.  
  
The Metatron. And behind him stood Jay and Silent Bob, who had a hand clamped over Jay's mouth to prevent him from speaking.   
  
"Oh, shit." He mumbled.   
  
The Metatron smirked widely as Harry jumped up from the couch and smoothed down his hair, saying, "Honestly, we weren't doing anything, we just fell asleep after I told them about you and it wasn't anything bad, I promise."  
  
From the couch someone mumbled incoherently. A few minutes later Hermione popped into view sporting wild hair, a silky camisole top, and a large pajama top that was sliding off her shoulder. She blinked a few times to clear her vision and then froze.  
  
Jay mumbled something which sounded suspiciously like, 'fuck yeah, man' and leered at Hermione. She squeaked and scrambled off the couch, trying to fix her appearance. Quickly she tucked her hair behind her ears and pulled the top up; making sure it completely covered her from the neck down.   
  
"At it like rabbits, you humans." The Metatron said condescendingly. He looked Harry over and then turned to Hermione, who was apparently in awe of him. "And I do believe this isn't the proper place to mimic rabbits."  
  
Hermione squeaked once again and said, "Really, sir, we weren't doing anything. Harry was just telling Ron and me about you and Jay and Silent Bob and we happened to fall asleep. And actually, roaches can produce up to ninety million young in a year whereas rabbits only have up to one-hundred-and-forty, which pretty much destroys that saying."  
  
Everyone except Harry stared at Hermione with confused expressions. Harry smiled and said, "Hermione's a bookworm. She tends to say random facts most the time." Hermione blushed in embarrassment.   
  
The Metatron looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "Really. That's better than most humans. Usually they don't even know who I am."  
  
"You're the Metatron, the voice of God. You speak for God because God's voice would cause humans' heads to explode. You were once a human named Enoch until God turned you into an angel for your merit. You are one of the closest angels to God and are the chief scribe of heaven… And you love tequila."  
  
Harry's jaw dropped. He and Silent Bob turned to look at the Metatron, who looked speechless. "How do you know all that?"  
  
Hermione smiled enigmatically. "Oh, I read most of it in some books in the library. The tequila part I learned from a Muggle movie I saw over the summer. You were quite good in it. Especially the whole Mexican eatery scene."  
  
"I knew I shouldn't have agreed to that." The Metatron grumbled. "You better not tell anyone I was in that movie. If you do you will be sorely punished."  
  
Feeling strangely excited by his words, Hermione nodded quickly. Suddenly she turned and ran from the room, clattering up the stairs to her dormitory.  
  
Everyone watched her go. Jay kicked Silent Bob in the leg, causing his friend to curse and hop away. "Aw, fuck. Little smartie was fucking hot. I'd like to-" Harry leapt across the couch and tackled Jay before he could finish his sentence.  
  
"Don't you dare say that about Hermione. She's my best friend and, besides, Ron likes her. You mess with her and I'll turn you into a neutered poodle."  
  
  
Jay nodded fearfully. Harry leaned back and stood up, panting slightly. Without saying anything he walked over to the couch and looked at Ron, who was still snoring. He leaned down and smacked Ron across the head.  
  
"Bugger, Harry!" Ron yelled, leaping up from the couch. Harry jerked a finger toward the three men behind him. Ron instantly clamped his mouth shut and stood up, smoothing his pants down.   
  
Jay snickered. "Man, your fucking shirt's on fucking backwards."  
  
Ron's ears turned pink. Quickly he shrugged it off and turned it around and tugged it back on. Then he crammed his hands in his pockets and looked around. "Hey, where'd 'Mione go?"   
  
Harry glared at Jay, who abruptly sobered up and said, "She went to get dressed."  
  
"Oh. I'm guessin' these are the blokes you were talking about."  
  
"Yup. The tall Snape- alike is the Metatron, the blonde is Jay, and the quiet one is Silent Bob."  
  
"Huh. What're they doing in here? It's the Gryffindor common room and I know they're not Gryffindors."  
  
  
Harry turned to look at the Metatron. "Yeah, why are you here?"  
  
The Metatron merely smirked. "Your Headmaster told me to come retrieve you for breakfast. As if I was some common working angel!"  
  
"I fucking wanna retrieve the fucking hot one!" Jay interrupted, waving his arms around. Silent Bob rolled his eyes and pulled out a cigarette. Quickly he lit up and took a deep puff. Then he turned to Jay and yanked him around, dragging him from the room.  
  
Harry, Ron, and the Metatron watched as Slent Bob wrestled Jay through the common room entrance and followed, slamming the portrait shut with a foot. The Metatron's mouth quirked, a small smile turning up the corner of his lips.  
  
"I must say, the quiet one is most useful at times."  
  
Harry and Ron nodded in agreement. Then all three sat down to wait for Hermione. 


	7. chapter 7

Hermione was not what one would call a girlie girl. In fact, if not for the fact she was anatomically female, she wouldn't even be called a girl. She knew this. She had, in fact, accepted this fact at the tender age of six, when she realized quantum physics was more exciting than nail polish 101.

In general her life couldn't be better. She had intelligence, charm, and—well, not beauty, but two out of three wasn't too bad. Why would one need looks when they had brains? Stupid, really….

She repeated that to herself as she stared at her meager wardrobe. Two wrinkled gray skirts, three plain button-down tops, and a pair of striped socks. Good God, when had she become this boring?  Honestly. She was a bookworm, not a half-blind geriatric.

"Oh, God. I _did not just think that." She said loudly. __Oh, yes you did, her inner TeenandRatherAnnoyingHermione said gleefully. She mentally smacked herself. __No, because that would be wrong. I don't do __fashion. Or crushes. Or anything remotely immature, her inner RealisticandBoringHermione shot back._

_Oh, yeah. That's why we're all worried about how we look in front of Angel Boy, huh?_

_I am not worried. I simply want to make a good impression. _RealisticHermione said edgily.

_Good impression?! With those rags? I'll show you good impression. Just throw yours-_

Hermione broke the figurative argument by moaning, "Great. I'm now certifiably crazy. And slightly geeky. And why does the Metatron have to be anatomically impaired?"

She clamped her hands to her mouth and whimpered. Oh, no. Oh dear God. She had _not _just thought that. Bloody Metratron and his bloody good looks and nice ar-

She whimpered again.

---

Harry was hungry. And tired of waiting for Hermione. Since when had she taken so long to get dressed? Usually she was ready before he or Ron were even functioning properly. He sighed and looked at Ron, who appeared to be close to fainting from hunger.

As if on cue he sat up and cried, "I'm hungry. Can we just go now?"

The Metaron looked at Ron sulkily and replied, "No. Dumbledore specifically said to retrieve you. _All _of you."

"Damn." Ron muttered. Harry silently agreed. The Metatron rolled his eyes and continued to tap his fingers against the armrest of his chair.  Struck by sudden inspriration, Harry asked, "So, what do you do on your off time?"

The Metraon looked at Harry with an expression similar to Snape after he had been asked 'if he was in fact a vampire, and if so, can I get out of class, because my mum says vampires are health hazards' by a pathetically inept first-year. Then he squeezed his eyes shut as if deep in thought. He was about to reply when a girl's voice said, "Sorry it took so long…. I, uh, couldn't find anything to wear."

Harry turned to see Hermione standing behind him fidgeting nervously. Ron leapt up, muttering, "Finally!" For a moment he looked at Hermione in confusion.

Hermione smiled nervously. "What?"

"Nothing…." Ron replied hastily. "Just thought for a minute there you had eyeliner on." He turned away and began walking, missing Hermione's fearful expression. The Metatron smirked to himself, and stood up, slowly following Ron. Harry, however, stayed put. For a moment he looked at Hermione without speaking, before leaning towards her and whispering, "I won't tell anybody."

Hermione smiled gratefully.

---

By the time the four reached the entrance hall Ron was practically salivating, Hermione had rubbed her eyeliner off with her sleeve (successfully making herself look like a beaver-raccoon hybrid), and the Metatron was being stalked by a slowly growing group of girls. 

"-Wish _he _taught Potions." One girl said wistfully.

"Wish he taught something other than Potions. If you know what I mean." Another girl replied in a voice heavy with innuendo, looking at the Metatron with a scary expression on her face. Harry turned quickly and twitched.

Since when had Ginny Weasley even know about those types of things? He smiled uneasily at Ginny. She ignored him and continued, "One-on-one." She grinned mischievously. 

There was a chorus of "Oh, yeah!"s from the group of girls. 

Harry quickened his pace. For the first time in his life he fervently thanked the gods that he was small and bespectacled.

A.N.- That's it. Think of it as the intro to the breakfast chapter. In which the Metatron gets an official fanclub, Ron- gasp, shudder, sneer- asks Herm out, and Snape gets royally pissed off. (More than usual, that is.) And yes, it will be longer and, hopefully, have much more of a plot. I'm sorry for not posting earlier- I've had major writer's block. I'm not making any promises about the next chapter, but stay on the lookout. It should be out soon.

Hopefully. :}


	8. chapter 8

By the time they arrived at the great hall most of the school was seated at the various house tables, eating breakfast, or in a few cases, guiltily finishing last night's homework.  
  
As usual a few people looked up when Harry, Ron, and Hermione (and the Metatron and his various fangirls) entered the hall. "Hey, Har-" Seamus Finnigan began, before being cut off by a slightly high-pitched squeal from Lavender Brown.  
  
"Oh, who's he?" She asked, pointing at the Metatron. Harry sighed.  
  
"He's a relative of Snape's who's visiting for a while."  
  
Parvati Patil giggled. "Seems he got all the looks, huh?"  
  
The Metatron smirked, causing Lavender to sigh dreamily. Hermione rolled her eyes and sat down in her seat heavily, trying not to curse Lavender for her stupidity. (Or because she's looking at Angel Boy, her inner voice sniped.) Ron scrambled into a seat next to her, accidentally knocking her knee with his. "Sorry," he said sheepishly, ears tinged pink.  
  
Hermione was about to reply when Professor Snape appeared. "Weasley, Lovegood, Chang, and all you other idiot girls, return to your house tables now. Five points each from your houses." He glared as the group of girls behind the Metatron slowly backed off, a few muttering amongst themselves. "And, yes, Parkinson, that includes you."  
  
"But sir-"   
  
"Now, Parkinson, unless you wish to explain to your housemates why they are now thirty points behind Ravenclaw in the house cup tally."  
  
Pansy Parkinson glared at Snape for a moment before stalking toward the Slytherin table. Snape merely turned toward the Metatron and said, "Headmaster Dumbledore has requested that you join us at the staff table." Hermione, watching carefully, noticed his eye twitch, as though he was forcing himself to be civil. Which, she considered, he probably was.  
  
The Metatron nodded, smirking slightly at Snape, who turned on his heel and continued toward the staff table. "Well, then. That should make him rather angry."  
  
Ron smiled. "Yeah... Must be great being you. Getting to annoy Snape and him not being able to do anything about it."  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes. Honestly, would Ron ever gow up? Not likely, her inner voice snarked. Harry smiled and looked at her, obviously thinking the same thing.   
  
"Yes, and amusing as this entire conversation is, I do believe I'm needed at the staff table." The Metatron interjected, smoothly interrupting Ron, who looked as if he was going to continue speaking. "Good day, rabbits."  
  
Ginny, a few seats down and listening intently to the conversation, asked, "Rabbits?"  
  
"Sounds kinky." Lavender said dreamily. Parvati giggled.  
  
Hermione buried her face in her hands.  
  
---------  
  
"May I have your attention, please?" Professor McGonagall called. Next to her Dumbledore smiled and stood up, motioning for her to quit tapping her glass.  
  
"As you have no doubt noticed, we have a few guests with us today." Dumbledore began. He motioned towards Jay and Silent Bob, who were seated on either side of Hagrid, and then toward the Metatron, who, to his horror, had been seated next to Trelawney, who kept predicting his emminent death at the hands of an enraged chimera. A few seats to the Metatron's left, Snape was watching his pretend brother's growing discomfort and smirking evilly. "They will be staying with us for a few weeks, and I ask you to show them every courtesy befitting a Hogwarts guest. Now, onto introductions!"  
  
A few Hufflepuff first-years cheered. The rest of the student body remained quiet, though a few of the older students laughed quietly at the enthusiastic eleven-year-olds.  
  
"The two gentlemen on either side of Hagrid will be assisting him in his various duties around the castle. On his right is Jay and on his left is Silent Bob." Jay leered at a few of the girls sitting in front of him and was about to talk when Hagrid nudged him in the side. Silent Bob simply waved at the students. Jay rubbed his side, muttering something that looked suspiscously like curse words.  
  
"Think they're Muggles?" Dean Thomas whispered.  
  
"They look it." Parvati answered, her nose wrinkling in distaste at their unkempt appearances. Across the hall Draco Malfoy began whispering in Pansy Parkinson's ear.  
  
"I can just imagine what they're italking about." Hermione said to Harry and Ron, nodding toward Malfoy.  
  
Dumbledore cleared his throat, making the students quiet down immediately. "Seated next to Professor Trelawney is our final guest, Elias Snape. He will be visting Professor Snape for a month or two, and as a relative of a professor I expect him to be treated with the utmost respect."  
  
Througout the hall hushed whispers broke out as Dumbledore paused.  
  
"Whoa. Snape has family."   
  
"That is beyond strange."  
  
"Think they're brothers?"  
  
"Dunno. They look it."  
  
"Now, I believe it is time to head on to class. Chop chop!" Dumbledore finished.  
  
The students groaned. (Except Hermione, who was already halfway across the hall.) Harry and Ron quickly hurried after their friend.  
  
--------  
  
"I hear he's his cousin twice removed on Professor Snape's mother's side."  
  
"Well, I heard he's his long lost son."  
  
"What? There's no way. They look the same age!"  
  
Hrry turned to see who was whispering. A few seats behind him Pansy and Milicent Bulstrode looked up and glared at him. "See something interesting, Potter?" Pansy called.  
  
"Depends on what you consider interesting, Parkinson." Harry called back sweetly.  
  
A few seats over, Draco sneered and replied, "Fraternizing with the enemy? Honestly, what will everyone think of precious Potter?"  
  
"Lo-"  
  
"Mr. Potter. I was under the assumption there was to be no talking unless it was class-related." Snape interrupted, slamming the classroom door shut with a loud bang. "If I have been wrong, do tell me. I would not want to cause our famous Mr. Potter any discomfort."  
  
Harry gritted his teeth, fighting back a retort. Nearby Draco hid his smirk behind his hand. Snape glared at Harry as he passed, continuing, "Five points from Gryffindor for your blatant disobediance of class rules."  
  
Ron nudged Harry and mouthed 'bastard'. Hermione glared at him. Ron simply glared back.  
  
"Now, today we will be making-- or in some cases, attempting-- a simple healing solution, commonly known as a farmakon." Snape began, smirking at Neville Longbottom's fearful expression. "I expect a small of sample by the end of the period."- Here Blaise Zabini raised her hand, but was interrupted by Snape, who continued, "And no, Mrs. Zabini, whatever you are about to say will not convince me to give you extra time to complete the assignment."  
  
Blaise cursed quietly. Snape merely smirked and waved his wand at the board behind him, quickly copying the day's instructions onto the board. "You have forty-five minutes." He said menacingly.  
  
--------  
  
"Was it supposed to be blue, you think?" Ron asked as he, Harry, and Hermione made their way to Transfiguration.  
  
Harry sighed. "I hope not, considering mine came out green."  
  
Ron looked at Hermione. "What 'bout you, Herm? Perfect as usual?"  
  
Hermione shrugged her shoulders. "It came out okay."  
  
Harry smiled at her and replied, "Which, of course, means it came out perfectly and you're too damned shy to say so."  
  
"Really, Harry, you know me better than I do. It's downright odd." Hermione shot back, smiling at him.  
  
"Yeah, it's a talent of mine... ." Harry laughed.  
  
Ron rolled his eyes good-naturedly. "Along with your thirty-seven hundred other talents."  
  
Harry was about to reply when a poster tacked up on the wall outside the Infirmary caught his eye. "Hey, look at this."  
  
The poster was large and a bright pink that reminded them of the infamous Valentine's day incindent in their second year. Scrawled across it in large, swirly letters were the words, "Aprreciate fine-looking and intelligent men? Or even men with that certain mysterious something? Come join H.E.A.R.T.S.- the Hogwarts Appreiciation Society for The Other Snape."  
  
All three looked at each other bemusedly. "Okay, this is just weird." Harry said. "I mean, a fanclub for the Metatron? They don't even know him!"  
  
Ron shrugged. "Must be a girl thing. And at least it's not a fanclub for you."  
  
Hermione, ever observant, said, "Their acronym doesn't even make sense."  
  
Harry and Ron looked at Hermione and then at the poster. "Well, yes," Ron said, "but that's not the point, Herm."  
  
"Yeah, it's more of the whole 'group-perving-over-a-really-old-angel' that is so weird." Harry said blandly. "I think the whole acronym thing is a moot point."  
  
"Yes, but they could've at least come up with a better name." Hermione replied. She waved her hand at the poster's wrting as if to emphasize her point. She was about to continue when the late bell rang. She jumped and exclaimed, "Now we're late! Professor McGonagall'll probably take of points too!"  
  
Without waiting for her firends she took off running. Harry and Ron watched her go and then turned to look at each other. "Y'know, Harry, sometimes I don't see how we ever stayed friends with her." Ron said quizzically.  
  
Harry laughed and shrugged. "More of I don't see how she stay friends with us."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
For a few minutes neither of them spoke. As they were passing Flitwick's classroom, Ron asked, "So.... how many points ya think McGonagall'll take off this time?"  
  
"I'd rather not think about it."  
  
  
  
AN: Okay, Ron didn't ask Herm out, simply b/c I couldn't think of a way to work it into this chapter. It will be in the next chapter (I Promise!), which is when stuff should begin to get relatively exciting. I'm trying to make this story a bit more serious, since I don't really like the characterization of a few characters (read: Harry) in the beginning chapters. And, once again, I apologize for the incredible wait for this chapter. I have seriously got to set deadlines for this story from now on. ;)  
  
To all my loyal and ever patient reviewers: thank you for being such good people. And for reviewing, and never giving up hope that I would update, even though I did for awhile. Thank you, thank you, thank you!  
  
  
  
BTW, constructive criticism is always appreciated. Snape too soft? Harry going dumb? Just tell me, and I'll try my best to fix it. :) 


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